The journey I forced myself to take, the push towards healing, has ended. I have fought for over a year to focus on recovery and to stay in recovery. I chose to jump ship and call it quits.
The weight put on me that no one sees is just as bad as a fat roll I never had. Any time I sit, it is there. Every time I lean forward it is there. Now I’m in a bigger body that I never asked for or agreed to.
I am choosing to jump ship on recovery. I cannot be in this bigger body. I am crawling out of my skin even more. It worsens each day until now. I will no longer sit in this body that I have made disgusting. Every inch of my 5’5″ frame needs to be rid of fat. I stupidly allowed “recovery ” to soften my body, my stomach and hips are absolutely disgusting.
So here I am at midnight, giving up on the recovery I had gained because it isn’t worth hating my body and everything about it more than ever before. I would rather die than be this big. It is disgusting and I am a weak person for letting myself believe I would be someone, something without Ana. I was so greatly wrong.
