Month: July 2024

Accountability and Seeking Treatment

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Having that one person in my life that puts their foot down, that accountability, is such a raw emotional feeling. I look back and I see I had such a “childish” response in the way I said no. The subtle child like rebellion and attitude of being told what to do, that makes me sad. Looks like my inner child, the one that was first diagnosed at 16, is still fighting for control. Then again, maybe I am not an adult at all and this is a dream.

Who would have ever guess something so deadly was so easy to disguise. The world’s deadliest mental illness resides in me and I fully understand that. The sad part, like an addict, I am hooked on the high of emptiness. The weightlessness, being lightheaded, ignoring the concerned looks, knowing consequences are just on the horizon.

There is one thing I must admit. I did one adult thing and in the right direction. I submitted information on a treatment facility’s website. Within 24 hours I had an assessment set up with one of the clinicians. After the one hour phone call, I was told I will be a great fit for their virtual IOP. It took so much time to really process what I had done.

I have been accepted into their program can start treatment almost immediately. However, the finances just aren’t there and that is okay. I want to see what treatments are available and what level of care I “need”. Though I will not be attending with the treatment center, it is comforting knowing that there are virtual IOPs out there that are flexible with scheduling.  ERC Virtual IOP has additional financing options that may lead to actual treatment within the coming weeks.

I’ve been on a wonderful path of recovery and living a life not dictated by Ana and her authoritarian control. How did she creep back in and take over again? As I sit in my swing watching the storm roll in, I cannot fathom a world without her.  Yet, it all feels safe.

In one week I will know the steps that lay ahead if I can’t trick the scale, but am I willing to accept what is to come? I guess we will have to wait and see.

Lost All Control

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Two appointments, two separate appointments and both left me despondent and lost. I went to my 3 month med som appointment and confirmed increase, a significant increase, in ED behaviour. It was then that she confirmed she would be taking me off of X medication as it is contraindicated with Ana and puts me in a dangerous position. All I wanted was to have the medication continued as it has helped with ADHD. At this point, I will not be getting X back. You will find me in the book of herbs and naturals. I rather handle it this way, now seeing how this has shown me what life is like when ADHD symptoms are under control. I have tapered myself off, per her instructions, and those few days without X reminded me of why X had made a difference. Here I was going through life not realizing that half my issues were significant concentration and attention deficits, something I didn’t know I had. Thankfully, I can now identify and try to redirect/correct my attention at work, making the days go smoother than in the past.

Here is where I left her office knowing I will be returning in a month for f/u. In a month, I will return to her office “to continue to monitor progress and weight.” Miss ma’am, I think not. Just because I lost some doesn’t make me a target for constant watch. The one thing she didn’t know was that my weight is actually lower. I’m sure we can think logically how I managed that. So, yeah, just by that action at the office with the scale, proves that Ana is in control.

Fast forward to today, July 23, 2024. I had my therapy appointment. Oh boy was that rough! Giving myself a voice is so damn hard when Ana is in control. Every breath, every single blink, absolutely everything about my existence, is hers. Hearing Holly say X medication has black boxed Ana. Needless to say, when I got to the office, I went and searched the black box warnings. Even though it isn’t exactly in the box, it is there in black and white. Ana seems to be a contraindication to everything. In that moment, I, not Ana, was deflated. I felt cheated, but back to the appointment. We tried to look back over the last year and to focus on what helped boost me in recovery and start adding them back to my “goals.” After several more minutes of explaining why I’m bucking at the need to stop taking X, Holly made a clear statement, one that hit hard and put EVERYTHING in perspective. She stated: “by her letting you stay on X, that is like her handing you sharps,” in reference to my prior SH. Like handing me sharps, damn, that made so much sense all the while being a punch in the gut. She isn’t wrong. Now that I think about that, my nurse said pretty much the same thing in a different way.

Two new appointments, in two weeks time. First, Psych med f/u. Second, Holly. I am now back to every two weeks for therapy. Where did I go wrong? Did Ana really take total control and I am just a bystander not caring to stop and fight back? I am not a victim of anything other than my own doing. This isn’t me playing victim. This is me trying to be open and honest, even though no one I know reads these. I get this is a disease, just like alcoholism or drug addiction, there is a genetic component. I get that recovery is a choice, one you have to fight to work through, I’ve been there. I’ve done the work.

Right now, I just have to sit and process this relapse, and push myself up out of this new rabbit hole and move forward. As my site says, one bite at a time.