recovery

Uncomfortable

For the last two days, I have been beyond uncomfortable in my skin. I work out, I literally run for fun. Yet, these last two days I have been crawling out of my skin. The anxiety creeps higher and higher to the point I double dose my Atarax, which I am allowed to do, and an extra calm gummy. My weight continues to hover too high and I am not okay with this being the possible “set point” that my body has decided on. I would be okay say if it were like ten lbs less for my “set point” I’d be okay.

Recovery comes in waves and right now I am drowning again. She is being so loud and she is making recovery near impossible at the moment. All I want to do is restrict, restrict, restrict and exercise until I can’t anymore. I am fighting to stay above the waves but I am also letting her win. I don’t want to lose her. She is my best friend and safe space. I want recovery but I don’t at the same time. I’m tired of being at this higher weight and most days I just sit at work hating every tiny inch of my body. I just want to run. I don’t want to go out and eat. I don’t want to sit and be average. I want my small body back. The one where I didn’t take up space. Just let me be tiny.

I want recovery but then I don’t. I’m tired and I’m so tired of hating my body.

Can someone please just look the other way and let me be tiny? Can we keep it a secret just between us? Do I really need food? Can I just keep drinking Hyrdroxycut drink packets… I mean they do taste good? Can we not tell anyone that I still have the scale at work so I can check my weight throughout the day?

Can I just be tiny?

Can I just walk away from recovery for a little while?

Please?

recovery

Not enough

When she makes you feel like you aren’t enough and that you aren’t sick enough for anyone to take you seriously. Eating disorders are the deadliest mental health condition and when I reach for help all I feel is that empty void. I feel like my voice of recovery goes absolutely unheard and that now I have reached the point where I have made the choice that I will step away from any type of treatment until I am mentally ready to let go. I beg for sleep but I sit here crying myself to sleep in hopes for a better tomorrow. Life isn’t full of rainbows and sunshine. Some of us have to walk through the darker days and hold to that hope that things will eventually at some point get better.