Tag: Eating Disorders

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Physically Ill and Mentally Unwell

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Having a sinus infection that I believed I had under control, ended up meaning I’ve been dealing with Bronchitis and the constant coughing fits. Due to my mental health meds I cannot take any over the counter cough medication beyond the original Mucinex and Claritin/ Allegra. So essentially just suffer through it.

With that being said, my time at the gym has been quite the minimal and it has really messed with my head. I’ve finally been able to get back in and I am feeling so much more myself both mentally and physically.

Thanksgiving was last week and I must say I am proud of myself in how I have handled my recovery. I had my therapy appointment with Holly right before and she made some great points. First, the scale is inaccurate no matter what the numbers are as it is our relation to gravity and not a true weight. It weighs our hair, fluids, if I’m on my cycle, food, etc. Second, a consistent reminder that the scale can move several pounds in one day and that it is completely a false reading other than the very first steps on in the morning. With that, just having a Thanksgiving meal will not make me gain any more weight and it will be okay to eat.

As Thursday came and went, we had gone to two meals and I nibbled my way through both. The weather the last few years has been oddly warm so I took full vantage of that and took a walk around the neighborhood while we were in-between meals. That walk is what I believe helped me the most. I wasn’t out walking to walk off the meal or to earn the next. I was walking the neighborhood enjoying the beautiful weather and seeing the neighbor kids out playing. A vast difference from what I remember as a kid; being bundled up with snow boots and hats. Now we are running around in near short like weather. It’s just weird and I love it.

As for today, I made it two miles on the treadmill at the gym. I wish I could have gone to the park to enjoy the sunshine but that wind and the fact that the temps dropped super quick from the time I left for lunch and when I came back.

I stood on the scale this morning and saw a smaller number. I was so damn happy. However, as the morning went on the more anxious I became. I don’t know if it was from me fighting a much needed fifteen minute nap or from Ana. Today I did not choose recovery. I was on and off the scale all day from work to the gym and back. Ana had every tiny little grip on me that she could get. I do not know when or if ever I will be free from her death grip. She stares and snarls into my soul reminding me every second of today that she is in control and I will never be anything without her. One would be in complete dismay when you would happen to overhear my 11:11 wish. Or should I say, her wish.

Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart knowing I ate dinner and now the scale will be higher come morning. I’m beyond sad and so full of disappointment. Recovery is hard especially on days like this. I just want to be small and tiny. I am meant to be tiny.

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Giving Up

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Today I stood on the scale and I saw the highest number I’ve seen in over three years. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want recovery if it means being this big. I can’t do it. My trousers for work are starting to tighten and my shirts aren’t as flowy. It is heading into winter here and I’m not okay with that either. Thankfully I have a med change in a few days. That will help with the winter.

If recovery means me hating every single tiny millimetre of my body then I don’t fcking want it. I cannot stand this body I am currently in. I want out. I can’t do this anymore. I just want to be tiny. Screw being “normal” or “healthy” because I was healthy. I was happy. Just let me be tiny. I’d rather die than be fat.

Behaviours
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Behaviours

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Today I woke up and rose to the occasion. I am not one to get up early and grab a full shower during the week, I’d much rather stay curled in my warm blankets than get up earlier. So I was definitely off to a really good start.

I get to work and I’m just riding this slap happy mood, not thinking a thing in the world. Maybe that is exactly why this happened. I was too chill and happy and she saw fit to sneak in. Sneak in she did.

I found myself cautiously slipping into the bathroom after a bit of breakfast and gave into a behaviour that I swore I’d never do again. I even have it written on a sticky note that this behaviour is NOT AN OPTION. Apparently today it was the only option. Like I was seeing myself engage in the behaviour as if through a glass. It’s not like I did it on purpose with all intentions. It was just weird. It felt normal and a part of my daily routine like in years past. It felt so normal and I walked back to my desk as if nothing had ever happened.

Once lunch time came around and I change for the gym it hits me like a brick. I did the one thing I said was not an option. I slid to the floor scratching my head trying to understand what I did and how it even happened. All I know is I let my guard down and she snuck her damn head in, having no business in my happiness.

I have a lot of work to do to figure out how and why that behaviour happened. I was under no stressful situation. I literally was humming and enjoying a nice morning. There is currently NO reason. It simply happened. By no means do I believe that something somewhere lead me to the event, i just have not figured it out.

Ana has been yelling so I am sure there are some weird underlying facets that lead to the event this morning. It makes me feel gross and dirty. I never enjoyed Mia she was just another friend I needed to function if I had no control of what or when I ate. She was always my plan B. Ana does enough damage on her own. Medical studies show heart damage and a new scientific article shows that prolonged anorexia does cause brain damage that may, may be possible to reverse upon recovery. That makes a lot of sense when I see how this has been going on for the last 16 years.

Recovery is such a struggle for me and I don’t know why. Do I want to forever spend my life striving to be the smallest? Do I want to spend my life hiding my body fully ashamed of the figure I have? I have a lot of work to do and I think my Friday zoom group meetings with Alsana and once a month therapy with Holly might not be enough right now especially since I am coming up on a med change since the seasons are changing and I hate, abhor really, the cold and the days get darker earlier, it just burns my soul.

With that being said, today’s lesson is, even on your best days, if you are not keeping guard, even the best days can fall victim of your eating disorder. Recovery is hard, and it isn’t a straight line. It’s okay to have slips but we have to stand back up and move forward. I choose to pick myself up and move forward to a new day.

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@alsanallc: “…neuroscientists found a substantial link between brain size and shape and anorexia…those with anorexia had reductions in brain shape and size twice to four times as large as those with other mental health conditions”

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“…neuroscientists found a substantial link between brain size and shape and anorexia…those with anorexia had reductions in brain shape and size twice to four times as large as those with other mental health conditions”https://t.co/fCJue1cLce — Alsana (@alsanallc) October 5, 2022 https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js From https://twitter.com/alsanallc/status/1577722542160318501Check out recent news from Alsana

@alsanallc: “…neuroscientists found a substantial link between brain size and shape and anorexia…those with anorexia had reductions in brain shape and size twice to four times as large as those with other mental health conditions”
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Breathless

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It is a battle between physical health and mental health now. I feel my body slowly fading as my energy goes more and more towards her and even less towards myself. I am physically drained. The most mundane tasks are taking more energy then they have in quite some time. I cannot afford to slow down now. I am getting closer and closer to where I want to be.

This is what happens when you let her take over. She destroys your body. Slowly so you don’t really pay mind to it.

I am 31 and I already have my spinal discs degenerating. My chiropractor told me my entire body has been in flight or fight mode for so long that my pain threshold is through the roof. He said most patients would have jumped up when all I did was tell him it was fine. He coined me as his interesting case. This is what eating disorders do to our bodies. Whether we want to admit it or not.

That last sentence pains me to reread. I want to be tiny, I mean tiny. Yet, I don’t want to forsake my physical health to get there. My heart is beating in a bizarre manner that catches my breath and stops me immediately. It is an odd sensation and I’m not sure if it is just the daily stress bothering me or if my heart is really trying to tell me something. Should I actually be worried this time? I don’t see any reason to. I have GAD. So they will say it is my anxiety. I drink a lot of coffee. They will say it is the caffeine and to cut it back. My PCP even told me that he once had a patient go to hospital for an EKG and he was having a full blown heart attack but the EKG read normal. Where do I go from here?

My body isn’t small enough yet. I have too much going on in my life presently and especially in the coming months. I don’t have time to stop and turn course. I have to keep pushing through. I always say that pain is just weakness leaving the body, but what if the weakness isn’t pain, what if it’s a sign of something screaming for help? Can EDs really be that damaging? I dare not ask as I shouldn’t put that out into the universe.

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Pushing Boundaries

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Another successful day for her and another loss for me. I lost my fight over breakfast. I only had an apple. For lunch I made myself drink an Orgain shake. I ran two miles and that exhilarating feeling getting off that treadmill is something unbeatable right now. Yet back to the office I must go. I want to be able to complete the full 5K by the end of the month.

I did have one win. One win for recovery today. I ate dinner. Not what most would consider dinner but it is better than last night… better than nothing.

One bite at a time. Recovery is my commitment. Am I on the right track? I’m trying to be. Will it all be better by morning? Absolutely not! However, by writing this, no longer hiding the secret she loves to be, I am able to fight for recovery whether or not I want it right now. I will get better eventually. For now it will be my daily struggle until it become natural once again.

One day I will be better. As of right now, I shall quote Emma from RBS: “I’m not better, okay, I’m not better and I keep waiting for someone to figure that out; and they don’t. I mean of course they don’t ’cause as long as I say the right thing and I act the right way they’re happy, because that means they cured me right?”

Right now I am not better and that is why I decided to write this. To share and to learn from others. There are many of us bloggers that are trying to recover and there are those that have blogs of recovery. I hope to be able to share my experiences and hopes for a recovered future and that one day this will be a blog of nothing but recovery.