Tag: giving up

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Giving Up

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Today I stood on the scale and I saw the highest number I’ve seen in over three years. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want recovery if it means being this big. I can’t do it. My trousers for work are starting to tighten and my shirts aren’t as flowy. It is heading into winter here and I’m not okay with that either. Thankfully I have a med change in a few days. That will help with the winter.

If recovery means me hating every single tiny millimetre of my body then I don’t fcking want it. I cannot stand this body I am currently in. I want out. I can’t do this anymore. I just want to be tiny. Screw being “normal” or “healthy” because I was healthy. I was happy. Just let me be tiny. I’d rather die than be fat.

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It’s Really Bad

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I don’t understand how I got this bad this fast. Lying and sneaking. Losing almost 4 in two days has made it worth it. Feeling empty feels so powerful. I get to control this. No one else. Not even her. Ana has always been there and she always will be. Last night Mia stopped by real quick and I haven’t felt that gross in a long time. I definitely didn’t listen to her and give in to those behaviours. I really wanted to but I didn’t have the energy. It is sad to know that my intense back pain was the only thing that kept me from engaging in a nasty behaviour.

You know she is winning when you cry over the thought of your normal nutrition shake and a wonderful honey crisp apple. 250 for the shake and 48 for the apple. Count in coffee of 182 (creamer) and that is still under 500. These very two items have become a staple in my diet and now she has me crying. I don’t understand why. It is 3:00pm. So that totals to 480. My tdee is around 2,000 and my BMR is 1,400. So my journey in recovery reminds me that 480 for a daily total can be a death sentence.

But today, July 01, 2022 I choose to keep trying to climb out of the hole. Recovery is a wonderful thing. I just gave up on it. I gave up on me. I can either try again with recovery or I can die trying to be tiny. I want to live. I really do. I need to relinquish the need for control. I need to do better.

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Empty

itsyourstorysowriteit1 Comment

When you have a sincere quarrel with your significant other to the point where you feel so unloved leaves you empty, broken. I already make myself empty to be strong and to ignore the things around me. But I sit here at lunch, not taking a lunch break to get out and walk. No, I sit here broken and in tears. All of the ones I ever relied on when things go back are gone, no longer here to hear my words. So I sit here in tears hoping that whoever reads this will realize that you are never alone in these moments. You may feel like you have no one to turn to but you do. You have me. If you are of faith you have God. If you aren’t find faith in music or art. Just remember that whatever it is we go through it is to teach us that we a worth more than this moment and we just have to fight a little longer because it is all worth it in the end.

recovery

Not enough

itsyourstorysowriteit2 Comments

When she makes you feel like you aren’t enough and that you aren’t sick enough for anyone to take you seriously. Eating disorders are the deadliest mental health condition and when I reach for help all I feel is that empty void. I feel like my voice of recovery goes absolutely unheard and that now I have reached the point where I have made the choice that I will step away from any type of treatment until I am mentally ready to let go. I beg for sleep but I sit here crying myself to sleep in hopes for a better tomorrow. Life isn’t full of rainbows and sunshine. Some of us have to walk through the darker days and hold to that hope that things will eventually at some point get better.