Having a sinus infection that I believed I had under control, ended up meaning I’ve been dealing with Bronchitis and the constant coughing fits. Due to my mental health meds I cannot take any over the counter cough medication beyond the original Mucinex and Claritin/ Allegra. So essentially just suffer through it.
With that being said, my time at the gym has been quite the minimal and it has really messed with my head. I’ve finally been able to get back in and I am feeling so much more myself both mentally and physically.
Thanksgiving was last week and I must say I am proud of myself in how I have handled my recovery. I had my therapy appointment with Holly right before and she made some great points. First, the scale is inaccurate no matter what the numbers are as it is our relation to gravity and not a true weight. It weighs our hair, fluids, if I’m on my cycle, food, etc. Second, a consistent reminder that the scale can move several pounds in one day and that it is completely a false reading other than the very first steps on in the morning. With that, just having a Thanksgiving meal will not make me gain any more weight and it will be okay to eat.
As Thursday came and went, we had gone to two meals and I nibbled my way through both. The weather the last few years has been oddly warm so I took full vantage of that and took a walk around the neighborhood while we were in-between meals. That walk is what I believe helped me the most. I wasn’t out walking to walk off the meal or to earn the next. I was walking the neighborhood enjoying the beautiful weather and seeing the neighbor kids out playing. A vast difference from what I remember as a kid; being bundled up with snow boots and hats. Now we are running around in near short like weather. It’s just weird and I love it.
As for today, I made it two miles on the treadmill at the gym. I wish I could have gone to the park to enjoy the sunshine but that wind and the fact that the temps dropped super quick from the time I left for lunch and when I came back.
I stood on the scale this morning and saw a smaller number. I was so damn happy. However, as the morning went on the more anxious I became. I don’t know if it was from me fighting a much needed fifteen minute nap or from Ana. Today I did not choose recovery. I was on and off the scale all day from work to the gym and back. Ana had every tiny little grip on me that she could get. I do not know when or if ever I will be free from her death grip. She stares and snarls into my soul reminding me every second of today that she is in control and I will never be anything without her. One would be in complete dismay when you would happen to overhear my 11:11 wish. Or should I say, her wish.
Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart knowing I ate dinner and now the scale will be higher come morning. I’m beyond sad and so full of disappointment. Recovery is hard especially on days like this. I just want to be small and tiny. I am meant to be tiny.
It was on the treadmill at that mile and half with two minutes to go before I had to get off, stretch, and get back to work. I hit that runner’s high. It felt so good to get to that point finally. Exhausted I stepped off but feeling amazing I stretched out and went back to work. Stepping back into the office and clocking back in it hit me. A promise had officially been broken. Not just a promise but a pinky promise. It was in that moment I felt utterly broken. If she finds out she will be undoubtedly disappointed.
As these words pour from my soul, tears pour down my cheeks. How did I get here again? I just want to be tiny. I didn’t want to give her her power back. I tried to keep myself from going this far again. Another day where my total intake was less than what a bird would eat. Yet, I have found a sense of peace in writing this.
I found this in a quick search for something else. There was that reminder. That one touch of hope felt so soothing. As it says there are only small steps upward. It is right. One small step towards one small piece of recovery is moving upward and out of the hole. That is where I need to get to. To a point where the mirror, the scale, the numbers simply no longer matter. That the only thing that matters should be the laughter and the smiles. That love should be the guiding voice and not that of her stealing those moments away.
One day, one bite, one less tear. One step at a time. I pray that I open my eyes and my heart tomorrow to a beautiful day where I choose to listen to love and let her go to the back where she can scream but hopefully it will be more like a whisper. I need to stop looking to be tiny and fragile. One day, I hope I reach that.
For now, Ana is in control and I am fighting to get that control back. I’ve already destroyed the pinky promise I made. I can only make the choice to turn around and try again. I need to make that choice as I don’t think my physical heart can take any more. The chest pains and missing/skipping beats have intensified again and it is that sinking feeling that the eating disorder is finally taking its toll. I don’t want to be another girl that died from anorexia or complications thereof. I want to live. I know there is so much more to life and I will be damned if I let Ana take that away from me.
For the last two days, I have been beyond uncomfortable in my skin. I work out, I literally run for fun. Yet, these last two days I have been crawling out of my skin. The anxiety creeps higher and higher to the point I double dose my Atarax, which I am allowed to do, and an extra calm gummy. My weight continues to hover too high and I am not okay with this being the possible “set point” that my body has decided on. I would be okay say if it were like ten lbs less for my “set point” I’d be okay.
Recovery comes in waves and right now I am drowning again. She is being so loud and she is making recovery near impossible at the moment. All I want to do is restrict, restrict, restrict and exercise until I can’t anymore. I am fighting to stay above the waves but I am also letting her win. I don’t want to lose her. She is my best friend and safe space. I want recovery but I don’t at the same time. I’m tired of being at this higher weight and most days I just sit at work hating every tiny inch of my body. I just want to run. I don’t want to go out and eat. I don’t want to sit and be average. I want my small body back. The one where I didn’t take up space. Just let me be tiny.
I want recovery but then I don’t. I’m tired and I’m so tired of hating my body.
Can someone please just look the other way and let me be tiny? Can we keep it a secret just between us? Do I really need food? Can I just keep drinking Hyrdroxycut drink packets… I mean they do taste good? Can we not tell anyone that I still have the scale at work so I can check my weight throughout the day?
Can I just be tiny?
Can I just walk away from recovery for a little while?
Here we are nearing the end of June of 2022. A whole half of a year has gone by and it seems like if I blink it will be over and into 2023. However, my journey in recovery has been up and down so much that it feels like no recovery progress has been made this year. I’ve pulled from so many different resources but damn she is holding for dear life. I decided I would pull even more resources and began reading anything and everything I could on recovery. Whether that was a memoir, a self-help book, or just a medical journal, all I have wanted to do in this last year or so is to find my happiness outside of Ana.
I did find an amazing book that captured my heart from the moment I opened the book. I wanted to share this book with others as this really shows how it is not just someone like me who suffers but also my family and friends. I related so much to this book that I felt that I needed to share it with others. I did link it below so that you or someone you love can read it as well.
I may be stuck in the mud in my ED recovery but I believe that once I start sharing again through this blog and places like social media… i.e. TikTok and Instagram. You are more than welcome to follow my journey to full recovery from ED.
Link to the book “Brave Girl Eating: A Family’s Struggle with Anorexia” By Harriet Brown from Amazon:
When you have a sincere quarrel with your significant other to the point where you feel so unloved leaves you empty, broken. I already make myself empty to be strong and to ignore the things around me. But I sit here at lunch, not taking a lunch break to get out and walk. No, I sit here broken and in tears. All of the ones I ever relied on when things go back are gone, no longer here to hear my words. So I sit here in tears hoping that whoever reads this will realize that you are never alone in these moments. You may feel like you have no one to turn to but you do. You have me. If you are of faith you have God. If you aren’t find faith in music or art. Just remember that whatever it is we go through it is to teach us that we a worth more than this moment and we just have to fight a little longer because it is all worth it in the end.
When she makes you feel like you aren’t enough and that you aren’t sick enough for anyone to take you seriously. Eating disorders are the deadliest mental health condition and when I reach for help all I feel is that empty void. I feel like my voice of recovery goes absolutely unheard and that now I have reached the point where I have made the choice that I will step away from any type of treatment until I am mentally ready to let go. I beg for sleep but I sit here crying myself to sleep in hopes for a better tomorrow. Life isn’t full of rainbows and sunshine. Some of us have to walk through the darker days and hold to that hope that things will eventually at some point get better.