Having that one person in my life that puts their foot down, that accountability, is such a raw emotional feeling. I look back and I see I had such a “childish” response in the way I said no. The subtle child like rebellion and attitude of being told what to do, that makes me sad. Looks like my inner child, the one that was first diagnosed at 16, is still fighting for control. Then again, maybe I am not an adult at all and this is a dream.
Who would have ever guess something so deadly was so easy to disguise. The world’s deadliest mental illness resides in me and I fully understand that. The sad part, like an addict, I am hooked on the high of emptiness. The weightlessness, being lightheaded, ignoring the concerned looks, knowing consequences are just on the horizon.
There is one thing I must admit. I did one adult thing and in the right direction. I submitted information on a treatment facility’s website. Within 24 hours I had an assessment set up with one of the clinicians. After the one hour phone call, I was told I will be a great fit for their virtual IOP. It took so much time to really process what I had done.
I have been accepted into their program can start treatment almost immediately. However, the finances just aren’t there and that is okay. I want to see what treatments are available and what level of care I “need”. Though I will not be attending with the treatment center, it is comforting knowing that there are virtual IOPs out there that are flexible with scheduling. ERC Virtual IOP has additional financing options that may lead to actual treatment within the coming weeks.
I’ve been on a wonderful path of recovery and living a life not dictated by Ana and her authoritarian control. How did she creep back in and take over again? As I sit in my swing watching the storm roll in, I cannot fathom a world without her. Yet, it all feels safe.
In one week I will know the steps that lay ahead if I can’t trick the scale, but am I willing to accept what is to come? I guess we will have to wait and see.
