Physically Ill and Mentally Unwell

Having a sinus infection that I believed I had under control, ended up meaning I’ve been dealing with Bronchitis and the constant coughing fits. Due to my mental health meds I cannot take any over the counter cough medication beyond the original Mucinex and Claritin/ Allegra. So essentially just suffer through it.

With that being said, my time at the gym has been quite the minimal and it has really messed with my head. I’ve finally been able to get back in and I am feeling so much more myself both mentally and physically.

Thanksgiving was last week and I must say I am proud of myself in how I have handled my recovery. I had my therapy appointment with Holly right before and she made some great points. First, the scale is inaccurate no matter what the numbers are as it is our relation to gravity and not a true weight. It weighs our hair, fluids, if I’m on my cycle, food, etc. Second, a consistent reminder that the scale can move several pounds in one day and that it is completely a false reading other than the very first steps on in the morning. With that, just having a Thanksgiving meal will not make me gain any more weight and it will be okay to eat.

As Thursday came and went, we had gone to two meals and I nibbled my way through both. The weather the last few years has been oddly warm so I took full vantage of that and took a walk around the neighborhood while we were in-between meals. That walk is what I believe helped me the most. I wasn’t out walking to walk off the meal or to earn the next. I was walking the neighborhood enjoying the beautiful weather and seeing the neighbor kids out playing. A vast difference from what I remember as a kid; being bundled up with snow boots and hats. Now we are running around in near short like weather. It’s just weird and I love it.

As for today, I made it two miles on the treadmill at the gym. I wish I could have gone to the park to enjoy the sunshine but that wind and the fact that the temps dropped super quick from the time I left for lunch and when I came back.

I stood on the scale this morning and saw a smaller number. I was so damn happy. However, as the morning went on the more anxious I became. I don’t know if it was from me fighting a much needed fifteen minute nap or from Ana. Today I did not choose recovery. I was on and off the scale all day from work to the gym and back. Ana had every tiny little grip on me that she could get. I do not know when or if ever I will be free from her death grip. She stares and snarls into my soul reminding me every second of today that she is in control and I will never be anything without her. One would be in complete dismay when you would happen to overhear my 11:11 wish. Or should I say, her wish.

Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart knowing I ate dinner and now the scale will be higher come morning. I’m beyond sad and so full of disappointment. Recovery is hard especially on days like this. I just want to be small and tiny. I am meant to be tiny.