Hungry to bed hungry to rise makes a girl a smaller size. How can you argue with that statement? Recovery is about finding your truth in your path and not hers. It is a sad time when you continue on her path and nothing you can say or do makes her quiet. She tells me horrible things all day long but as long as I advised by her rules eat as little as possible and make sure I exercise every single bite off of my body then at least I have one good day. I stepped on the scale again and yet I promised I wouldn’t. I can see a change in the numbers but not in the mirror and it’s heartbreaking. Where I am now will never be thin enough and that destroys me. I should say trigger warning but who really gets triggered out this anymore. Do you see that on the scale, do you? See that number isn’t thin. That’s not a defining number it’s too high. Recovery is about learning to love the body you are in and to take care of it and nurture it. I feel like I’m not in recovery I give her so much space in my head that I cannot tell where I began and she ends. I am her and she is me. I spend most of my time begging for her to just let me have one thing to be able to enjoy a sweet treat without consequences. I beg for the nonsense of the horrible things does she says and I know are logical lies. Am I going bonkers or have I always been that way? Is recovery even possible or is it just some show? How do you take over your life when she has all of the power and Recovery is supposed to help gain that power back? I need to keep moving forward but until that number goes down I know she’ll never be quiet and I know for a fact that all of the hard work I’m putting in to get better to do better I feel like I am falling backwards and it’s heartbreaking to know how many times I have broken the most sacred of promises I broke that pinky promise more then I want to admit to. Maybe one day I will be able to let her know once I find me again but right now I am her and I can’t let go I need to be smaller; I need to take up less space. If you find this triggering or upsetting please know I don’t mean any harm and I don’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I sat under your tree today. I wish you were here but given how sick you were and the state that this world is in knowing you aren’t here to see the suffering makes it a bit easier. I remember how you would take me to the ice cream shop and then just sit quietly at the park while I tried to enjoy a small twist (a mix of both chocolate and vanilla soft serve) while you enjoyed your treat. I went to the shop and got one today. The guilt of eating this has me so torn. I miss those stern words that made me feel safe and loved. Now all I hear is her voice and the silence of the void that is now here. You would look me in the eye and tell me to stop listening to her and enjoy the ice cream. You made things like sweets a “safer” “fear” food for me. I sit under your tree today with tears streaming down my face because I can’t hear your voice. All I hear is the world around me getting louder with each riot and the light grow darker. Ana makes life livable. She makes life less scary. But as you would and will tell me is that she is not what makes life less scary she is what drives the fear. Oh how I wish you were here.

Hi, I’m Linda. I am 29 going on 30. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2011 and was then re diagnosed as Bipolar 1 in 2014. Since the age of 14 or maybe even younger I have battled with my self image which includes body dis-morphia, anorexia, bulimia, atypical anorexia etc. I also battle a daily fight with anxiety that some days are easier than others.

Today I decided that I needed a place to put my journey and my thoughts from my head to the “new” pen and paper of the interwebs. I needed to find a place where I could feel safe sharing my story and journey to a better recovered life. I may not be the most expressive person but I know we all need a safe community where we can be raw and honest with our emotions and struggles.

Hello, my name is Linda and I am a recovering atypical anorexic who has Bipolar 1 disorder. This is my story. This is my journey.