Am I Bonkers?

Hungry to bed hungry to rise makes a girl a smaller size. How can you argue with that statement? Recovery is about finding your truth in your path and not hers. It is a sad time when you continue on her path and nothing you can say or do makes her quiet. She tells me horrible things all day long but as long as I advised by her rules eat as little as possible and make sure I exercise every single bite off of my body then at least I have one good day. I stepped on the scale again and yet I promised I wouldn’t. I can see a change in the numbers but not in the mirror and it’s heartbreaking. Where I am now will never be thin enough and that destroys me. I should say trigger warning but who really gets triggered out this anymore. Do you see that on the scale, do you? See that number isn’t thin. That’s not a defining number it’s too high. Recovery is about learning to love the body you are in and to take care of it and nurture it. I feel like I’m not in recovery I give her so much space in my head that I cannot tell where I began and she ends. I am her and she is me. I spend most of my time begging for her to just let me have one thing to be able to enjoy a sweet treat without consequences. I beg for the nonsense of the horrible things does she says and I know are logical lies. Am I going bonkers or have I always been that way? Is recovery even possible or is it just some show? How do you take over your life when she has all of the power and Recovery is supposed to help gain that power back? I need to keep moving forward but until that number goes down I know she’ll never be quiet and I know for a fact that all of the hard work I’m putting in to get better to do better I feel like I am falling backwards and it’s heartbreaking to know how many times I have broken the most sacred of promises I broke that pinky promise more then I want to admit to. Maybe one day I will be able to let her know once I find me again but right now I am her and I can’t let go I need to be smaller; I need to take up less space. If you find this triggering or upsetting please know I don’t mean any harm and I don’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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