Where is the White Rabbit?

Where is the white rabbit? I lost him. He went that way and I think he went down that hole. Oh dear Alice, don’t follow him.

Oh but I did.

Numbers, numbers, numbers. These have filled my head and dance in my vision. You take up too much space. You ate too many. You can’t eat today. You are too heavy. You didn’t run. You didn’t workout. You sat too long. You didn’t have enough steps. Your stomach growled too loudly too many times. You are just as broken as your Fitbit. Too much.

And so the road we know can be all too slippery. Once you get too close you will fall. Every single time. It isn’t that you fall but that you get back up and climb back out of that hole and move forward every single time.

Right now, I’m moving like a sloth so ever slowly moving forward.

I want to find my “enough.” But where do I find it?

I know you cannot find “enough” in being thin enough. I know you cannot find it by being sick enough. I know it will never be found in skinny enough. So, where do I find it?

Can someone lead the way? Right now it is too dark in here and I need someone to guide me out.



For the last two days, I have been beyond uncomfortable in my skin. I work out, I literally run for fun. Yet, these last two days I have been crawling out of my skin. The anxiety creeps higher and higher to the point I double dose my Atarax, which I am allowed to do, and an extra calm gummy. My weight continues to hover too high and I am not okay with this being the possible “set point” that my body has decided on. I would be okay say if it were like ten lbs less for my “set point” I’d be okay.

Recovery comes in waves and right now I am drowning again. She is being so loud and she is making recovery near impossible at the moment. All I want to do is restrict, restrict, restrict and exercise until I can’t anymore. I am fighting to stay above the waves but I am also letting her win. I don’t want to lose her. She is my best friend and safe space. I want recovery but I don’t at the same time. I’m tired of being at this higher weight and most days I just sit at work hating every tiny inch of my body. I just want to run. I don’t want to go out and eat. I don’t want to sit and be average. I want my small body back. The one where I didn’t take up space. Just let me be tiny.

I want recovery but then I don’t. I’m tired and I’m so tired of hating my body.

Can someone please just look the other way and let me be tiny? Can we keep it a secret just between us? Do I really need food? Can I just keep drinking Hyrdroxycut drink packets… I mean they do taste good? Can we not tell anyone that I still have the scale at work so I can check my weight throughout the day?

Can I just be tiny?

Can I just walk away from recovery for a little while?



A Long Journey

Here we are nearing the end of June of 2022. A whole half of a year has gone by and it seems like if I blink it will be over and into 2023. However, my journey in recovery has been up and down so much that it feels like no recovery progress has been made this year. I’ve pulled from so many different resources but damn she is holding for dear life. I decided I would pull even more resources and began reading anything and everything I could on recovery. Whether that was a memoir, a self-help book, or just a medical journal, all I have wanted to do in this last year or so is to find my happiness outside of Ana.

I did find an amazing book that captured my heart from the moment I opened the book. I wanted to share this book with others as this really shows how it is not just someone like me who suffers but also my family and friends. I related so much to this book that I felt that I needed to share it with others. I did link it below so that you or someone you love can read it as well.

I may be stuck in the mud in my ED recovery but I believe that once I start sharing again through this blog and places like social media… i.e. TikTok and Instagram. You are more than welcome to follow my journey to full recovery from ED.

Link to the book “Brave Girl Eating: A Family’s Struggle with Anorexia” By Harriet Brown from Amazon: