After taking a break away from posting anything on all platforms, I find myself in a pretty deep rabbit hole.
I spent many, many months piecing my health and mind back together and for a good while, I was doing much better. And then, right after the holidays, we were hit with news that our grandson would be coming back to live with us. Needless to say, I had gotten used to him not being home. I am forever grateful that we have been able to step up and take care of him. I will cherish this time forever.
I guess this is where the slope started.
I had set myself a goal to find exercise fun rather than only numbers and I was getting on the right track. The #s on the scale slowly started to creep up, and at first, it really scared me. Yet, I kept pushing to be a better, healthier me.
Looking back over the last five months, I can see where I seen the rabbit hole, peered in and rather than walking away, I jumped in. Slowly starting to notice working out was back to focusing on distance and #s burned. It didn’t matter, even sick, I was at the gym or outside. Then came the bigger slip and slide. Excessive caffeine. I put the Bang cotton candy down and picked up the box of a diet pill drink powder. As I often did, I mixed two rather than 1 per 16 ounces. The stronger the better, or so I thought.
At that moment, the first sip, the berry mix flavour, though tart, put me right back into some of the more dangerous behaviours. Drinking coffee and going right in with the drink mix rather than water, a true disaster in the making.
So I stand here now, feeling naked and lost. Ana is absolutely pissed off that I told my PNP what has been going on. Like I somehow ruined everything because I made the grownup decision to be honest. Honesty and Ana have never gotten along and more eyes on me is the last either of us need/want.
Being in a support group with a very tight and private community has put life into prospective. One I thought I’d never see, nor afford to be apart of. However, even at that I am lacking and making the conscience decision to open the app and just bounce from posts and pages. Never really putting effort into being honest and being apart of the community.
This is embarrassing, and to be 33 nearly 34 years old, makes it worse. I get EDs have no preference, everyone is a target. I just happened to be a huge target for the last 17-18 years of my life.
Maladaptive coping skilss are what I choose when I have so many great tools to use to get better and stay better. But, here we are again, sitting in utter shame, naked and terrified what happens next.
Sorry for the disappearce and super long return.