The conclusion is that no matter how good you take care of yourself, no matter how careful you are, life always ruins itself. An amazing friend and mentor has cancer and it is stage three. She starts chemo on Tuesday, and I know from watching my dad take chemo, she is going to have a rough go. To watch cancer rob another person in my life is simply unacceptable. I have had it with this disease. I am sick of losing the ones I love. My mind is flooded with emotions and I can’t sleep. Heart is pounding in my chest and no amount of restful music is helping. I’m scared and unsure of what lies ahead but I know I have to be the strong one. She was there for me when my dad died and now it is my turn to be there for her. I still can’t wrap my brain around that stupid question of why. Why is never answered yet always and forever asked over and over.
Life is unfair. Simple as that. I want her to get better to feel better and to not have cancer. I want my dad back, every day I think about how much I have lost at such a young age. I also see how I have grown and become a stronger person. But for tonight, I want to curl up in a ball on my daddy’s lap and tell him how much I miss him and let him be a guiding light like he used to be. I miss having him to turn to when things go wrong. He has been gone almost seven years but right now it feels like it has only been days. And now I get to watch cancer take another person. I have to be strong but right now I don’t want to be. Right now I want my dad. I want things to be okay, good, better. This is where growing up sucks. This is when the regret starts. This is where the tears begin and heartache sets in. Tonight will be a long night.
I apologize for my lack of better terms in which would be more “appropriate” to say but I’m going to say it anyway.
Fuck you cancer. Fuck you for destroying the bodies of beautiful and not so beautiful souls. You deserve to be eradicated and destroyed. You can piss off. I can’t wait for paradise where you will be a disease of the past, forever forgotten. Exactly where you deserve to be. I hate you and I hate what you do to us.
Please God, please let this miserable system end before I have to say goodbye. I know it won’t be forever but in human terms it is the worst thing we all have to face but when you are my age, you shouldn’t have had to say goodbye as to the many I have. Just let this system of things end.
I am tired and my eyes are becoming as heavy as my heart. Time to turn of the computer and let my body drift to dream land, a land that for a little while can be a taste of paradise. A saddening nightmare, a taste of the better things that are ahead if only I didn’t have to wake up and watch the fog swallow the images of the ones gone. I hope I can rest a little easier tonight.